Amazing...

I am probably not the right person to blog about being amazing. These last two weeks I have felt anything but amazing....I have felt instead broken, sad, disappointed and occassionally, angry.

I had gone from feeling stable, safe and happy to trashed in one day, from one phone call.

Valentine's Day had been lovely, we had celebrated with a weekend together, flowers and jewellery and at that time, I had every reason I thought to think we were back to being in a good place. Yet the day after, my calls were unanswered; a text saying he needed radio silence then 8 days of nothing.

Brisbane was hot and humid and at the end of a long work day, I was enjoying walking around Dymocks looking for my next novel to fill in the time on the plane trip back home. The low hum of Madonna singing 'Revolver" ringtone theme made me smile as I answered....yet it was lost so quickly. The words I heard were hard - "so good not talking to you for a while" "We need to take a break, a long break" all this just short a few days short of my birthday.

Three weeks on since that day, there has been time together and time apart. We are as we have been before. It is such a puzzle to me that we two who have loved each other so well and for so many years are now trapped in this cycle of loving then leaving each other. It is played out over and over and each time it hurts anew.

The thing that I have learnt however, is that each time you hurt you can learn something new about yourself. I dont have to let the hurt itself define me nor determine how I feel about myself and sense of self worth. My future is still mine to plan and look forward to. Does this make me feel amazing? I'm not sure I would really use that expression but there are wise words from others that I have been leaning on and I will share them with you.

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